Tag: Self care

The Importance of Boundaries in Healthy Relationships

It is essential to have personal boundaries because they define your identity.  They are about the things you feel and believe. They encompass your needs, your values, and what you are good at. With good boundaries, you are better able to help others because your life is built on a firm foundation.  You know who you are and what your goals are.  As you set boundaries, sometimes you have to say “no” to others.  More importantly, you learn to say “yes” to yourself.

It is difficult to set boundaries if self-expression was discouraged when you were a child. Your parents reacted with anger, emotional manipulation or disappointment when you expressed your needs or wants.  Soon, you learned to use coping mechanisms that helped keep the peace.  It was easier to “suck it up” than to “rock the boat”.  Your life was outwardly more peaceful, but inwardly, there was disappointment and frustration.

There are people who manipulate you with guilt.  They have their own reasons for you to do the things that they think you should do.  If you are a “people pleaser”, this can make change challenging.  You allow others to set boundaries for you and you are left with a feeling of powerlessness.

If you were raised in a home with poor boundaries, boundarilessness feels normal.  You feel that those who “love” you are the best people to see your boundaries.  A dominant parent sets the tone in your home, and that seems “normal”.  You discover that life is easier when others make your decisions. Letting someone else set the path of your life feels simpler. This is especially true if manipulation is involved.  There is pain in not having your needs met, and you learn to ignore that.

Sometimes you meet needy people, and trying to help them becomes a boundaryless relationship. They can be selfish and irresponsible.  It becomes easy to lose track of your own needs.  As you continue to try to please them, you walk on eggshells around them.  That’s not how God wants our relationships to be. It’s essential to make sure you aren’t pouring from an empty vessel.  Your needs are important, too. 

Life changes when you realize that you are worthy of relationships where you are respected.  Respected for your feelings, your thoughts and your ideas. A good relationship should make you feel calm, not anxious.  If you are anxious or feeling guilty, it is important to assess why.  Do you struggle to accept that you are worthy of your own ideas?  Are you afraid you will be rejected if your view is different than the person you are talking to? 

Sometimes, living a boundaryless life can feel “best”.  Our bodies have learned to tense up unnecessarily. Our feelings of guilt and anxiety can feel overwhelming.  It takes patience to unlearn some coping mechanisms. You need practice and the right people to support you.  Should I really feel anxious in this situation?  Are my ideas ridiculous, or has someone convinced me they are? 

I found an article about Jesus setting boundaries that I found helpful.  Jesus prayed, He had “alone time”, He rested, He pleased God, not others. Jesus also had expectations of others.  He asked people what they wanted from Him.

In my life, I am still learning.  I am getting better at setting boundaries. I am also improving at assessing if my own needs are being met.  I think I would be described as a “social introvert”, so often others are confused about me.  I need that alone time.  It’s not a rejection of anyone. I am expecting a lifelong journey of assessing life and making boundaries along the way.  Blessed is the person who finds joy in the journey.

The Importance of Self-Care: A Journey Through History

Self-care is a very popular topic these days, and it’s an important topic. It is how we focus on our emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.  I’m pretty sure “self-care” was not discussed in my early years.  I think back to when I had rheumatic fever at age seven. I had to do some things, controlled mainly by my mother, I’ll admit.  I was on bed rest, and that had to be maintained, and a healthy diet was essential.  When I was in nursing school years later, my obstetrics instructor taught us relaxation exercises. These were exercises that mothers in labour used. She suggested we try to use those exercises to help us get to sleep at night, too.  Maybe it might have been called a concept of a plan?

The idea of self-care started in the 1950s and was focused on the medical model.  The focus of care switched to being “person or patient-centered care.”  Weight loss and diet were important components in some diseases.  Patients became more involved in their own care.  In mental health, the emphasis grew stronger on self-care, exercising, grooming, etc., so people would regain a sense of self-worth.  

During the civil rights movement in the United States, self-care became very important for those fighting for change.  The Black Panther Party realized the importance of self-care. They understood they needed to take care of themselves to continue fighting for change. They realized that their communities needed to have access to opportunities that would help with their physical and mental health.  Audre Lorde, a Black woman, wrote in 1988,” Caring for myself is not self-indulgent. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare”. 

After the events of 9/11, the destruction of the Twin Towers in New York City marked a shift. Self-care became more about dealing with trauma. Self-care became a way to cope with the aftermath. Those dealing with PTSD, post-traumatic stress syndrome, and those who felt their world had been turned upside down. People changed how they were taking care of themselves. During the COVID pandemic, self-care changed again. Many deeply felt the loss of community connections, and self-care had to change again. After Mr. Trump was elected in 2016, there was a big spike in searches for articles on self-care online. I imagine that presently, in 2025, there is considerable interest again.

The Bible tells us to “Love the Lord your God above all and your neighbour as yourself”.  But what does it mean to love oneself?  Loving yourself is not the same as selflessness.  If you only give to others, you may begin to resent others. You may be easily angered with people. You could also be filled with chronic anxiety. If your coping habits involve perfection, pleasing people, shutting down emotionally, or constantly being busy, your nervous system is overloaded. It’s essential to make a change. You need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help others with theirs. Self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s how we partner with God in caring for ourselves.  Jesus didn’t come because he wants us to be useful, He came because He wants us to be whole–whole in mind, body and emotions

Many factors can cause a lack of self-care. These include depression, anxiety, feeling unworthy, trauma, and lack of motivation.  When you don’t care for yourself, you might feel drained of energy. You may lack patience and become irritated by those who make demands on your time. You may find it difficult to focus on tasks and your productivity decreases. It takes some introspection to become aware of one’s goals, physical /mental needs, and accomplishments. Regular quality self-care improves mental health, self-esteem and self-worth and decreases anxiety and depression. 

Taking care of yourself is a very individual thing. The Canadian Mental Health Association has a list of some ideas that may be helpful.  Some of these suggestions may be more important for you than others.

  • Get regular exercise.  Just 30 minutes of walking every day can boost your mood and improve your health
  • Eat healthy, regular meals and stay hydrated
  • Make sleep a priority
  • Try a relaxing activity
  • Set goals and priorities
  • Practice gratitude
  • Focus on positivity
  • Stay connected.

Self-care is a way we prioritize our emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.