During my nursing career, I worked in many areas where death was not infrequent. I noticed that death seemed to be more difficult for teenagers to deal with. I have one picture of a brother-sister pair sitting on the floor in the hallway. Their backs are against the wall, and their legs are out in front of them. Their mother was living her last days in the room next to where they were sitting. I’m unsure if they needed a break from being in the room. Or were they allowing their mother to be alone for a while? Sometimes the daughter would lie beside her mother in bed, both asleep.
I hope this little research will help us gain a deeper understanding of the challenges teens have with death. And that it will offer some help and guidance in supporting them.
How Teens Grieve
Grieving is the teen’s natural reaction to death. Grief is uncomfortable; it doesn’t feel natural. There are feelings of losing control of their emotions and thoughts. There are physical feelings that can make a teen want to avoid grief. They can have be aches, pains, nausea, headaches, muscle tension, and digestive issues. Grief is a very individual journey, and there is no right or wrong way. Some teens cry and are sad; others laugh often and use humour to cope with their feelings.
There are helpful and unhelpful ways to cope with grief. It is constructive to do activities that help them express their emotions. These include talking with a trusted person, journaling, artistic activities, and walking in nature. Unhelpful activities can have long-term consequences. These activities are when they are trying to escape the reality in which they are living.. They can include drugs and alcohol, reckless sexual activity, withdrawing from social activities, excessive sleeping and other high-risk activities. Every person deals with the intense feelings of grief differently.
Losing a parent is one of the most challenging things a teenager will face. This is true regardless of the relationship they had with that parent. It is not uncommon for them to feel guilty, angry, or resentful. They can have difficulty communicating with the surviving parent because the surviving parent feels they should shelter their child. Teens cope best when they can witness how others cope; this involves sharing experiences. Losing a parent can lead to long-term anxiety or depression, and substance use disorders. Girls seem to be more affected by the death of their mother, and boys by the death of their father.
Teenagers can react to death with denial. Denial of any complicated feelings or that the death has any significance for them. Sometimes their anger is expressed as disrespect. Understanding that this is part of the grieving process in those situations is helpful. Sometimes they question their family’s spiritual beliefs, the presence of God and the security of their relationships.
Factors that Affect Teen Grief
Teens often experience deaths that happen suddenly. A parent has a heart attack, or a friend dies in a car accident or of a drug overdose. Certain situations can make trauma more acute. Did the teen witness the event? Was their relationship with the person a positive or negative one? Has there been abuse, conflict, or unfinished communication? Sometimes these situations result in teenagers having difficulty accepting the reality of the situation, prolonging grief.
A teenager is naturally going through many changes in their life. Their bodies and relationships with people, including their parents and siblings, are changing. Sometimes conflicts arise more easily. Friends have become more important in a teenager’s life. Their friends, though, can’t support them when dealing with grief. This happens if the friends have no experience with grief themselves. Sometimes adults will discourage teens from sharing their feelings.
Many teens live in situations that do not give them emotional support. Sometimes, if a parent has died, the surviving parent is not capable of providing the needed support. Are the teenagers expected to support their parents or siblings? Do people assume that their peers will help them? Teaching teenagers to “be strong” or “get a life” is not helpful when they are overcome with confusion and grief. Students are challenged by trying to keep up a heavy academic workload. All these situations can also prolong the grieving process.
How to Be Supportive
Teens respond better to adults who interact openly, honestly, and lovingly with them about their situations. They do not respond as well to those who tell them what to do. This can be any adult comfortable talking to the teen about their situation. By sharing stories about their loss, teens can learn about the joy and pain of caring deeply about someone. In my divorce situation, I felt the most support from a woman who had had a miscarriage. She understood loss. Showing care and support to teens can be the greatest gift that can be given to them. Being reminded that the intense feelings don’t last forever is important.
There are factors to remember when dealing with a grieving teenager. Wait until they are ready to talk about their loss. Be sure to be in a safe place where the teen can speak openly and honestly about their feelings. Answer their questions, but don’t burden them with unnecessary information.
Grieving teens need to be reminded that their emotions aren’t something to be ashamed of. They don’t need to hide them. Death is a shattering experience, and the teen’s life is now being reevaluated, and new priorities are being set. Teens can feel supported by peer groups they belong to if they can express themselves there. Many times, their friends are uncomfortable talking about the loss. When the teen’s pain is ignored, they can suffer more from being isolated than from the actual death. Connecting with trusted adults becomes essential. Opportunities for journaling can help with the grief by expressing their feelings through writing or different forms of technology.
Signs a Teen Needs More Help
Sometimes teens do not experience and express grief in the obvious ways of crying and talking about their loss. Others can act out, withdraw or seem completely fine on the surface. There are signs to watch for to show the need for extra support.
Sudden behavioural changes can occur, including irritability, angry outbursts, or a lack of emotion. They start skipping school, and their grades drop. Withdrawing from friends and family and activities they enjoy can also be noticed.
Physically, sleep can be affected: having trouble getting to sleep, sleeping too much or too little or waking often. Appetite can be affected: loss of appetite or not paying attention to how much, what or when they eat. There can be unexplained physical complaints: headaches, stomach aches, or fatigue.
Most worrying, they start to take risks and do self-destructive things: substance use, reckless driving, sudden interest in high-risk activities. They start talking about death and expressing hopelessness. Any comment about life having no point or wishing they were dead, too, should be taken seriously.
The choice of what help is appropriate will depend on the severity of the need. A school counselor, private therapist, or teen group therapy led by a trained therapist can be helpful. Online therapy can be a good choice as it offers greater flexibility, privacy and accessibility. Assessing immediate help if the teen is suicidal is essential. In Canada, 9-8-8 is the Suicide Crisis Helpline.
The 3 C’s of Grief – Challenge, Change and Connection
I was in nursing school “many years” ago. I learned about five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. After my divorce, I learned about the four stages of recovering from loss: hurting, exploring, becoming me and getting comfortable. While researching and writing this blog, I read about the above-listed 3 C’s of grief. I will use those stages in this blog.
Challenge – Facing the Reality of the Loss
When someone close to them dies, their world can feel upside down. There can be many complex emotions: sadness, anger, confusion and guilt. They go over the circumstances repeatedly, looking for a different outcome. There are thoughts about their mortality and the changes in the reality of the future they envisioned. It can be a soul-searing time, but it isn’t purposeless. It lays the groundwork for being capable of adapting to change.
Change– Adapting to a New Reality
All the feelings and analysis during the reality of the loss help create deeper emotional growth. They aid in a better understanding of oneself. They start to look at life differently, which can initially be disorienting and isolating. They must learn new routines in their daily life. They need to find ways to remember and honour the life of the person who died. They also start to relate to others differently. Sometimes, they can feel they don’t know who they are becoming. They discover they are more resilient and stronger than they realized.
Connection – Rebuilding and Moving Ahead
It can be surprising who the teenager connects the closet with during this time. It is often a gentle person who listens well. They must connect with people to help them process and work through their grief. Joining a grief support group can be helpful. Sharing with others who have faced similar losses can give comfort and understanding. When connecting with others, the teenager can share stories about the deceased and build a memory bank about them. Through sharing, the person hasn’t vanished. The relationship remains alive even though it is transformed. The deceased has found a new place in their life.
Going through these stages takes time. It can be one step ahead and two steps back. There will be good days and challenging days. It is a very personal experience. For each person, grief has its own timeline and its own mental, physical, and emotional challenges. It is important to be gentle with oneself, knowing that grief can be a long and challenging journey. If grief continues to feel overwhelming or debilitating for a prolonged period, consider seeking professional help. This is especially true if it lasts for six months.
Grief is ongoing, but it changes in intensity and character. Remember that death ends a life, but it doesn’t end a relationship. The person can always live on in hearts and minds.
Some Comforting Words
Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
I welcome your thoughts, experiences and stories.
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