Tag: blessings from others

Coping with Grief and Loss: Understanding the Emotional Journey

Any event that changes your circumstances can cause distress, regret or disappointment.  Everyone is unique in how they experience losses and changes.

Grief

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

What is grief?

Grief is the experience of coping with loss. It reflects what you love or are deeply attached to, so it can feel all-encompassing.

Loss is traumatic, so there can initially be emotional numbness. “Why don’t I feel anything?”. The initial shock and avoidance must wear off before the reality of the loss is genuinely felt.  It may make people wonder if you even care about your loss.  It’s important for those who wish to support someone to remember that they may need us more later than now.  

There can also be “delayed grief”.  My mother died after she had dementia for several years.  In some ways, I had been losing her for a long time, so at the time of her death, I didn’t feel the loss much.  It was more than a year later, when looking at some photos, that the tears flowed – and I missed her!!

Sometimes, something happens that brings back memories of your loss, and you may suddenly experience grief again, along with some of the effects on your body.   Common “grief triggers” are birthdays, Christmas and any event special event that now cannot be celebrated the same way.

There are no right or wrong emotions when it comes to grief.  Anger is a common emotion in grief.  Some people find it hard to talk about their anger.  It took a while after my divorce for me to recognize and acknowledge that I was angry at God.   It was an important step in moving forward into what God had next for me.

Grief is not limited to the loss of people. 

This list is some examples of loss.  Those with a * are ones I have had personal experience with, and I may refer to them later.

  • Bereavement – loss of someone close to us*
  • Death of a pet*
  • Estrangement of a family member*
  • Retirement*
  • Change in a financial state
  • Death of an abuser – memories of abuse may get triggered
  • Divorce*
  • Losing a job
  • Relocating*
  • Abortion
  • Change of job
  • Leaving home
  • Loss of a friendship
  • Personal injury or health*
  • Relationship breakup
  • Serious illness of a loved one.

Some common effects on the Body

Loss is an extreme stressor affecting the nervous and immune systems.  You may feel generally unwell, including:

  • headaches
  • fatigue
  • nausea
  • restlessness
  • upset stomach
  • not sleeping or sleeping too much
  • joint pains
  • muscle aches
  • palpitations
  • and it may be easier for a person to get sick.   

The situation that affected me the most physically was my divorce.  Initially, I had several of the symptoms listed.  I also had problems concentrating at times and was blessed to have co-workers who were patient with me. 

The estrangement of family members is “complicated.”  I grieve their absence in my life yet maintain the hope of reconnection. 

The loss of our dog, Sydney, was a sad time for my kids and me.  Syd had been our constant caring companion through the days after the divorce. He was our “excuse” to get out, walk, or run about.  He loved us unconditionally during a time when we had little energy to support each other.  Five years later, when I lived in a different city, I still “expected” Syd to be waiting for me when I came home from work one day. 

Grief can be unpredictable because it comes in waves.  It’s one of the most frustrating aspects of life after loss.  One day you feel mildly okay, and the next you feel as if the loss has just happened all over again.  In addition to being frustrating, it can be exhausting. ~  Halle M. Thomas.

Grief do’s and don’ts. 

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ~I Peter 5:7

Taking care of yourself physically and mentally is very important.  It is important to allow yourself to grieve.  I found reading self-help books very useful.  It was good to know that my emotions were normal, that this, too, would pass.  Guilt and shame can hold you back.  When I asked myself what I was guilty of or why I felt shame, I really didn’t know.  And even if there are issues to resolve, now is the time to make changes to move forward. 

Be patient with yourself, but also remember not to underestimate yourself.  Through trial and error, you can find things that make a day feel brighter.  Walking the dog was a great way for me to get exercise.  I also started paying attention to what was around me more.  Focusing on the birds, trees and flowers took my mind off of other more challenging things.

One of the best things I did after my divorce was join a Divorce Care group.  I had an opportunity to talk to people who understood my feelings.  I had difficulty connecting with people other than the nurses I had worked with for 12 years. At Divorce Care, I could share my hurts and challenges and be understood.  After our sessions were done, we continued to see each other socially.  Joining a support group is a great addition to any grief recovery strategy. 

After a loss, it is important to take time before making big changes in your life. Don’t cross your bridges before you get to them.  Take one day at a time.  If you have lost a significant other, it’s best to take time before getting into another relationship. 

How can you offer help to someone after their loss?

  • Be present.   Support them in any way they need. 
  • Offer help. Often better to offer than to ask.  It may take too much energy for them to think ahead to what they might need.
  • Signal that you are open to talking. Look for clues from the grieving person.  It’s important to listen more than you talk
  • Don’t minimize someone’s loss.  Allow the person to process their feelings honestly.  “It’s for the best” may be what you believe to be true.  However, the grieving person may not be ready to hear that.

When should a grieving person seek help?

If your feelings of sadness and despair are persistent and you are unable to experience happiness, you may be depressed.   Seek help after a reasonable length of time if you are not coping with the important areas of your life and you don’t know how to move forward.   Joining a support group may be a great addition to your therapy.

Sadness

When I was reading about grief, I came across some helpful comments about sadness. I have relocated several times over the years, and I soon knew that life could feel challenging for a while in a new location. I read that sadness teaches us to adapt.

To feel better in my new place, I must learn where the places I need to function are (stores, banks, etc.). Life feels better when I get settled into my new home, find out where I like to walk and am connected to a church.  I evaluate what is important to me and take t action in those areas.  

I can use this lesson in other ways in my life as well.  When life doesn’t feel quite right: re-evaluate and change.

Final Words

Ajita Robinson, PhD. Like to look at grief as a set of phases.

  • Acknowledge the loss
  • Create space for your feelings
  • Understand that grief is a lifelong journey
  • Know that there can be joy in life post-loss.

Jesus said: “So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you”. John 16:22

(I appreciate the image at the top of this blog — the Light shines in the darkness!!)

Gifts of Love: Bringing Joy to the World

gifts

 

What can I give Him, poor as I am?  This is the question Christina Georgina Rossetti asked in a Christmas song she wrote.  It’s a question we probably all ponder at times.  There are so many needs in the world that it can be overwhelming.  What can we do?How can we give?  What gifts do we have?

One great gift to give to someone else is our smile and very often a smile is returned to us.  It is an easy way to say, “I see you and I wish you a good day”.  Research shows that children smile an average of 400 times per day, compared to the average happy adult who smiles 40-50 times per day and the typical adult who smiles only 20 times per day.   Smiling helps release endorphins and has many health benefits.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons why Jesus tells us to be more like little children. Smiling is not only a gift to others, but also a gift to ourselves.
A cheerful look brings joy to the heart… Proverbs 15: 30 

Treating someone with respect is another way we can impact someone: opening a door, giving up a seat on a bus, keeping noise down in public places…. Many ways we can let others know that we care about their comfort and enjoyment of life, too. Things that we can do that show that we recognize that they are valuable people, too.  People might be very different from us, sometimes in ways that we don’t understand.  However, all are God’s creations and it is God’s will that we show respect to everyone.
Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.  I Peter 2:17

Our presence can be a gift to someone else.  Visiting a sick friend, sitting next to someone who is sitting alone, being emotionally present when we are with people.  In this day of people carrying devices everywhere they go, people are often ignored.  Recently, as I was walking home, I came upon a woman carrying four bags of groceries.  I offered to carry two bags for her for as far as our paths were going in the same direction.  She told me that she is often lonely and many days it is difficult to engage in conversation with anyone, anywhere.  Some people may not want our presence, but I wonder if our effort isn’t appreciated anyway?
Reach out and touch somebody’s hand make this world a better place if you can – Diana Ross

One gift that can be challenging at times, is active listening.  There are so many distractions in this world, so much noise and so much “busyness”, that we often do not concentrate and LISTEN when others are talking to us.  To be listened to and HEARD is important.  To prove that we have been actively listening, we should be able to repeat some of what was said to us.  While working as a nurse, often, the only time for conversation with my patients was while I was doing something else at the same time.  This worked in some situations, but often the emotional needs of my patients were not met.  Now, retired, I am often too attached to my devices.  I need to actively practice active listening.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  James 1:19

These are just a few of the gifts we can give “poor as I am”.  We can be His smile, His hands, feet and ears in a hurting world — and sometimes His mouth, too.
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.  Micah 6:8

Trusting God’s Plan: Embracing Life’s Interruptions

 

I feel kind of depressed today…Do you ever have the feeling that life has passed you by?  Worse than that… I sometimes think that life and I are going in opposite directions. ~ Charles M. Schulz   

I find it too easy to form an idea in my mind of what I think my life “should” be like.  One change.from my original plans was obviously a good change.  Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a teacher when I grew up.  However, in my later teens, I decided to go into nursing instead.  My nursing career has been a blessing to me in many ways.  This brief, almost unnoticeable interruption, led me down a  different path.

A life change that was difficult and I still don’t quite understand, was the end of my marriage.  There have been times when moving forward felt more like trudging forward.  The pain and devastation that comes from a broken family has affected us all.  This interruption was a tearing up of “the plan”.  It was a struggle to start over again with purpose.  

~~

“What one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life – the life God is sending one day by day.” ~ C.S. Lewis

Learning to accept the interruptions God sends into my life can sometimes be challenging.  I say that I trust Him, but I want to understand what He is doing and why He is doing it.  Many times I  pray for a glimpse into the future.  I need reassurance that everything is going to be OK.  And…  often God gives me that reassurance.  I am discovering more and more that even when things don’t happen according to MY plan, all is well.

~~

“The discipline of waiting build character and besides, rushing the process may lead to a path that misses God’s best.”  Dr. Charles Stanley

Waiting  to buy a new home for the children and I after my marriage ended was a difficult time of waiting.  I hoped for a new beginning, but it was a LONG time coming.  I found a house I liked, but it was to expensive and the house we were living in was not selling.  After almost 1 1/2 years, within a week, one house was sold and another house was bought.  We had a new home! The  house that had been too expensive was at a lower price by then.  God was so abundantly GOOD!!

Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. ~ Hebrews 10:35-36

~~

There have been plans/dreams that God  gives me and then I wait and wait.  Waiting can become an interruption.  It can cause a “pause” in the flow if my life.  However, slowly, life experiences are helping me to live each day as He gives it to me, not matter what I think the future may hold.  Sometimes life seems to progress slowly…. and sometimes I can’t keep up with all the changes.  God’s timing is not my timing— and His ways are not my ways.  May I live for Him each day with joy, knowing that His love for me is intricately woven through the tapestry of my life.

“If you’re God’s child, remember that your story is marching to an end that is glorious beyond the ability of your mind to conceive.” ~  Paul David Tripp

Embracing Differences: Lessons of Acceptance and Growth

Last evening I attended a Cake Night event at a local Christian recovery house to support the artist who drew the pencil drawing attached to this blog post.  It was a first time experience for me.  There were many stories of how God changes lives and how a steadfast faith in God is needed in difficult battles in our lives.  It was a blessing to have those truths reaffirmed.

However, there was another aspect that was talked about by many.  The men talked about how their lives had been, and continue to be, affected by those around them.  There were examples of mutual support and examples of wisdom shared.  But for me, the most impressive, and perhaps life-changing, encounters these men had were something I hadn’t expected: learning to accept someone who is different.  Stories were told of conflicts of various kinds and how adapting in these relationships led to gaining a friend and to personal growth.

Sharing my story is something I had to learn.  For years, I hid the reality of my situation by pretending that everything was fine and my life was “normal”.  Attending Divorce Care was a blessing.  I felt a freedom to share there.  Instead of looks of unbelief, there were knowing nods — and acceptance.  There were many ways in which I was different from the others in my Divorce Care group, but by sharing what we had in common those differences didn’t matter. I hope that I can offer acceptance more and more in all situation; that my knowing nods can be about accepting the way the person feels without looks of unbelief.

There are still many layers of “my onion” that need to be removed.  But one thing I am learning: as the layers are removed, I grow.  I allow myself to grow into the person God intends me to be.  There is power in sharing our situations, in working through difficult situations and in extending love and care to those we may not understand.

Matthew 25: 35 – 36 says: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.  There is no mention of “when I understood you or when you are worthy of my attention.  Matthew 10:14 says: If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Sadly, sometimes we are not ready or are unwilling to accept the help that is offered.

Each of us has something to give.  Each of us has lessons we still need to learn. That’s what I heard last evening.  Stories shared about men who gave and who received. May we all open our hearts wide with willingness to give and receive.

 

 

 

 

 

World War II Love Story: A Tribute to My Parents

Today, June 14, 2017, is seventy-one year since my parents got married.  The following paragraphs are the words of dedication taken from my book —My Tapestry — Experiencing the Love of the Designer 

For My Parents

 With Thanks to GodDuring World War II, my parents lived in the Netherlands, which was occupied by Nazi Germany.  It was a very difficult time, and hard choices had to be made.  Near the end of the war, my parents were engaged and working in the Wieringermeer polder, which was low-lying land reclaimed from the sea.  Dikes and pumping engines kept the land dry.

In the beginning of 1945, under German command, Dutch workers dug deep holes at the bottom and at the top of the dikes.  Each hole was loaded with unexploded bombs from British and American aircraft.  On April 17, 1945, at 12:45 a.m. the explosives were ignited.  The seven thousand people who lived in the Wieringermeer and the estimated one to two thousand refugees had to leave the polder.  Within forty-eight hours the entire polder was filled with water.  The people living there had been warned and there was no loss of life.

On April 22, 1945, my father, then twenty-four years old, wrote in his diary that he and my mother went to look at the polder from part of the dike.  He wrote, “It was a sorry sight– water all over with here and there a rooftop and tree showing.  If we didn’t know God cares for us, we would be devastated… The Lord is right in all His ways and works.”

After my father died, my brother Len wrote Afterword — the final words about Dad’s life– as an ending to my father’s autobiography, A Life of Grace and Blessings.  Len wrote, “In his book, Dad talked about his engagement to Mom years before.  He said, ‘We loved each other dearly.’  For sixty-two and a half years their love for each other grew stronger and deeper.  It was at the heart of the family, and it blessed everyone they knew.”

My parents’ example of trust in God and their love for each other greatly shaped my life.  I thank God for the parents He gave me and for the example they were to me and my children.  I dedicate this book to the special memories of my parents.

The Joy of the Lord

During the past years of my life, God has richly blessed me through His Word, but also through the wise words of others. One evening  in 1998,shortly after the end of my marriage,  I read a quote that greatly blessed me.  “Happiness is elusive and can be wiped out in a minute, but joy from the Lord is like a deep river down in your heart that just keeps flowing.” (Barbara Johnson)(1).  I was overwhelmed when I realized that even though in many ways I felt like my world was falling apart, I was still experiencing the joy of the Lord — that joy was my strength.

It was a number of year later when I read the words of another woman who described that “joy” so well.  Mary Southerland says it better than I can, so I will use her words:”Joy is not the result of outward circumstances. Joy is an inside job, a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control. Every trial or loss, every defeat or victory measured against this confidence can be counted as joy.”(2)

Today it is 2017 and my mind went back ten years to 2007.  In my journal, I decided that my theme for 2007 would be “the joy of the Lord is my strength.”  I had just gone through another difficult time.  While I was still living in Ontario, my children both moved from Ontario to Alberta.  Then my father had a stroke and my parents moved to a long term care facility in a town a two hour drive away.  And I decided to sell my home.  Yet, that confidence remained. I am writing these words to remind myself.

I can decided to take God at His word when He says in Romans 8:28  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Life has many ups and downs.  Sometimes it’s hard to see how God is weaving the threads of my tapestry into anythings that makes sense.  Fears overwhelm and worry keeps me from sleeping. When I face the storm, I can only see the storm, but when I turn to my loving Father, He shelters me in His arms.  He reminds me that He is in control and I can feel that river of joy flow.

Yes, I can choose joy.

 

 

(1) Barbara Johnson, The Joy Journal, Kindle edition, [Nashville, Tennessee:Thomas Nelson Inc.(1996)

(2)Mary Southerland, “Choose Joy”, Girlfriends in God, January 26, 2016, http://girlfriendsingod.com/choose-joy/