Life is sometimes challenging, especially when you have fractured and complicated relationships. Hurtful words and actions cause you to hold grudges and harbour unforgiveness towards another person. How do you set all that aside and let bygones be bygones? It is possible when both parties choose to forgive, to let go of negativity, and to build a better relationship. This does not mean reconciliation. It means being able to create a different relationship. In this relationship, you can have positive interactions from time to time. This may look challenging when you think of a specific relationship that you are dealing with. The process starts with healing yourself, and you can set that goal.
Self-healing requires you to acknowledge feelings of anger, grief and resentment rather than ignoring them. You must also learn to control these emotions and avoid clinging to them, saying “goodbye” to the old conflict. No longer seeking revenge and letting go of resentment. Not dealing with negative emotions can lead to physical tension in your body and poor mental health. Holding on to grudges and bitterness can cause stress in your body, affecting your health and well-being. Letting go improves your blood pressure and heart health; it boosts your immune system. Walking in freedom improves your self-esteem and reduces symptoms of depression.
Were you being mistreated? Are your emotions telling you you need to set better boundaries? If you want to renew a relationship with someone who has wronged you in the past, you must protect yourself. Safeguard yourself from further harm. Make sure you set clear boundaries. Sometimes you allow bad behaviour to go on for too long, and anger and resentment set in. You need to assess why you let someone else control areas of your life. These areas should have been under your control. You can’t condone harmful behaviour or allow them access to your life without setting limits. It is essential to have personal boundaries because they define your identity. They are about what you feel, what you believe, your needs, and your values.
Sometimes things were done that can’t be undone. The consequences of your actions will still be yours to bear. Your actions were hurtful to another person but seemed necessary at the time. You need to acknowledge your role in the situation and express remorse for the pain your actions caused. This is the beginning of self-forgiveness. You must show self-compassion, accept your imperfections, and release your guilt.
Once self-healing occurs, your decision to renew the relationship is not just a gesture. It is a conscious decision made by the “healed you”. It is an act of kindness to try to restore a relationship with another person. Both affected lives will experience more peace, happiness, and healing from the unpleasant situation that existed.
Yet, if it’s not possible to let bygones be bygones, it is still necessary to forgive. Forgiveness is not only a choice you make but also a command. God says: “Forgive others as I have forgiven you.” You can trust God to be in control of the situation. God’s grace can flow through you to the other person. Forgiveness is not the same as restoration. You are not commanded to be friends with everyone or to put yourself in an unsafe situation. Sometimes, people should keep a distance from each other, for their physical or emotional well-being.
If you choose to forgive someone, you will probably have to make that choice over and over. When memories resurface, and you recall how the other person hurt you, you need to reinforce your decision to forgive. Praying about the situation and sharing with a trusted friend are helpful. Forgiveness takes time, so be patient with yourself. Remember that forgiving makes you feel better physically and emotionally. Celebrate because you are blessing yourself.
It is essential to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. The key difference is that forgiveness is between you and God. It is you trusting that God will help you deal with the hardness of heart you feel towards another person. This only involves God and you. Reconciliation is focused on restoring a broken relationship between two people. Even when forgiveness is accepted, it takes a while to regain trust. Restoring friendly relationships after conflict is a process. It involves forgiveness and understanding. It also requires addressing past harms to build a more harmonious future. The attitudes and actions of both people will affect the process of rebuilding trust. Reconciliation should always be the goal in healthy situations. However, it is essential to remember that not every situation is healthy.
The next time your feelings of despair and sadness from painful memories overwhelm you, make the choice to forgive. Then choose to forgive again. Keep choosing to forgive.
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