Any event that changes your circumstances can cause distress, regret or disappointment. Everyone is unique in how they experience losses and changes.
Grief
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
What is grief?
Grief is the experience of coping with loss. It reflects what you love or are deeply attached to, so it can feel all-encompassing.
Loss is traumatic, so there can initially be emotional numbness. “Why don’t I feel anything?”. The initial shock and avoidance must wear off before the reality of the loss is genuinely felt. It may make people wonder if you even care about your loss. It’s important for those who wish to support someone to remember that they may need us more later than now.
There can also be “delayed grief”. My mother died after she had dementia for several years. In some ways, I had been losing her for a long time, so at the time of her death, I didn’t feel the loss much. It was more than a year later, when looking at some photos, that the tears flowed – and I missed her!!
Sometimes, something happens that brings back memories of your loss, and you may suddenly experience grief again, along with some of the effects on your body. Common “grief triggers” are birthdays, Christmas and any event special event that now cannot be celebrated the same way.
There are no right or wrong emotions when it comes to grief. Anger is a common emotion in grief. Some people find it hard to talk about their anger. It took a while after my divorce for me to recognize and acknowledge that I was angry at God. It was an important step in moving forward into what God had next for me.
Grief is not limited to the loss of people.
This list is some examples of loss. Those with a * are ones I have had personal experience with, and I may refer to them later.
- Bereavement – loss of someone close to us*
- Death of a pet*
- Estrangement of a family member*
- Retirement*
- Change in a financial state
- Death of an abuser – memories of abuse may get triggered
- Divorce*
- Losing a job
- Relocating*
- Abortion
- Change of job
- Leaving home
- Loss of a friendship
- Personal injury or health*
- Relationship breakup
- Serious illness of a loved one.
Some common effects on the Body
Loss is an extreme stressor affecting the nervous and immune systems. You may feel generally unwell, including:
- headaches
- fatigue
- nausea
- restlessness
- upset stomach
- not sleeping or sleeping too much
- joint pains
- muscle aches
- palpitations
- and it may be easier for a person to get sick.
The situation that affected me the most physically was my divorce. Initially, I had several of the symptoms listed. I also had problems concentrating at times and was blessed to have co-workers who were patient with me.
The estrangement of family members is “complicated.” I grieve their absence in my life yet maintain the hope of reconnection.
The loss of our dog, Sydney, was a sad time for my kids and me. Syd had been our constant caring companion through the days after the divorce. He was our “excuse” to get out, walk, or run about. He loved us unconditionally during a time when we had little energy to support each other. Five years later, when I lived in a different city, I still “expected” Syd to be waiting for me when I came home from work one day.
Grief can be unpredictable because it comes in waves. It’s one of the most frustrating aspects of life after loss. One day you feel mildly okay, and the next you feel as if the loss has just happened all over again. In addition to being frustrating, it can be exhausting. ~ Halle M. Thomas.
Grief do’s and don’ts.
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. ~I Peter 5:7
Taking care of yourself physically and mentally is very important. It is important to allow yourself to grieve. I found reading self-help books very useful. It was good to know that my emotions were normal, that this, too, would pass. Guilt and shame can hold you back. When I asked myself what I was guilty of or why I felt shame, I really didn’t know. And even if there are issues to resolve, now is the time to make changes to move forward.
Be patient with yourself, but also remember not to underestimate yourself. Through trial and error, you can find things that make a day feel brighter. Walking the dog was a great way for me to get exercise. I also started paying attention to what was around me more. Focusing on the birds, trees and flowers took my mind off of other more challenging things.
One of the best things I did after my divorce was join a Divorce Care group. I had an opportunity to talk to people who understood my feelings. I had difficulty connecting with people other than the nurses I had worked with for 12 years. At Divorce Care, I could share my hurts and challenges and be understood. After our sessions were done, we continued to see each other socially. Joining a support group is a great addition to any grief recovery strategy.
After a loss, it is important to take time before making big changes in your life. Don’t cross your bridges before you get to them. Take one day at a time. If you have lost a significant other, it’s best to take time before getting into another relationship.
How can you offer help to someone after their loss?
- Be present. Support them in any way they need.
- Offer help. Often better to offer than to ask. It may take too much energy for them to think ahead to what they might need.
- Signal that you are open to talking. Look for clues from the grieving person. It’s important to listen more than you talk
- Don’t minimize someone’s loss. Allow the person to process their feelings honestly. “It’s for the best” may be what you believe to be true. However, the grieving person may not be ready to hear that.
When should a grieving person seek help?
If your feelings of sadness and despair are persistent and you are unable to experience happiness, you may be depressed. Seek help after a reasonable length of time if you are not coping with the important areas of your life and you don’t know how to move forward. Joining a support group may be a great addition to your therapy.
Sadness
When I was reading about grief, I came across some helpful comments about sadness. I have relocated several times over the years, and I soon knew that life could feel challenging for a while in a new location. I read that sadness teaches us to adapt.
To feel better in my new place, I must learn where the places I need to function are (stores, banks, etc.). Life feels better when I get settled into my new home, find out where I like to walk and am connected to a church. I evaluate what is important to me and take t action in those areas.
I can use this lesson in other ways in my life as well. When life doesn’t feel quite right: re-evaluate and change.
Final Words
Ajita Robinson, PhD. Like to look at grief as a set of phases.
- Acknowledge the loss
- Create space for your feelings
- Understand that grief is a lifelong journey
- Know that there can be joy in life post-loss.
Jesus said: “So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you”. John 16:22
(I appreciate the image at the top of this blog — the Light shines in the darkness!!)
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