Addiction – My Tapestry Blog

Embracing Differences: Lessons of Acceptance and Growth

Last evening I attended a Cake Night event at a local Christian recovery house to support the artist who drew the pencil drawing attached to this blog post. It was a first time experience for me. There were many stories of how God changes lives and how a steadfast faith in God is needed in difficult battles in our lives. It was a blessing to have those truths reaffirmed.

However, there was another aspect that was talked about by many. The men talked about how their lives had been, and continue to be, affected by those around them. There were examples of mutual support and examples of wisdom shared. But for me, the most impressive, and perhaps life-changing, encounters these men had were something I hadn’t expected: learning to accept someone who is different. Stories were told of conflicts of various kinds and how adapting in these relationships led to gaining a friend and to personal growth.

Sharing my story is something I had to learn. For years, I hid the reality of my situation by pretending that everything was fine and my life was “normal”. Attending Divorce Care was a blessing. I felt a freedom to share there. Instead of looks of unbelief, there were knowing nods — and acceptance. There were many ways in which I was different from the others in my Divorce Care group, but by sharing what we had in common those differences didn’t matter. I hope that I can offer acceptance more and more in all situation; that my knowing nods can be about accepting the way the person feels without looks of unbelief.

There are still many layers of “my onion” that need to be removed. But one thing I am learning: as the layers are removed, I grow. I allow myself to grow into the person God intends me to be. There is power in sharing our situations, in working through difficult situations and in extending love and care to those we may not understand.

Matthew 25: 35 – 36 says: For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. There is no mention of “when I understood you or when you are worthy of my attention. Matthew 10:14 says: If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet. Sadly, sometimes we are not ready or are unwilling to accept the help that is offered.

Each of us has something to give. Each of us has lessons we still need to learn. That’s what I heard last evening. Stories shared about men who gave and who received. May we all open our hearts wide with willingness to give and receive.

Finding Comfort and Help in God: Lessons from Psalm 121 and Romans 8:38-39

Where does my help come from?

There are many ways in which we try to make our lives feel better. Often we look for the solution through other people. We think that if the other person would apologize for hurting us, then we would feel better. We think that if we could just tell them how their “mistakes” have affected our lives, then life would be easier to bear. Or, if they would help us sort through our problems, then our problems might be solved. Our thoughts and behaviour get very wrapped up in the actions of others.

Another source of comfort for us can be food or other physical things. Some people eat for comfort, some people shop for comfort and some people hoard to feel safe. So many things can affect our ability to have these things be effective. We put on too much weight and need to watch how much we eat. We come to a financial slow down and need to control our spending. We run out of space for all of our stuff or need to move. It’s very easy for these sources of comfort to be affected by circumstances beyond our control.

We often feel a bit better when we focus a bit more on ourselves. However, sometimes we can become too self-focused and lose our ability to share our lives with others. We think that only our opinion matters, only looking at the world through our eyes can be right and only I can know what is best for me. Our focus is no longer to make ourselves more useful to others by being healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.

There thoughts remind me of the question in Psalm 121. Where does my help come from?
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121 tells us that “my help come from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth”. Our help does not come from people, things or ourselves. Psalm 121 reminds us that God is our Security, our Protection and that He is with us along every step of life’s journey. God is the right and only source that is constant and everlasting.

Romans 8: 38 – 39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Overcoming Life’s Challenges: Finding Strength and Hope in Tough Times

There are many times when life doesn’t happen the way we expect it to. We have a picture in our minds about our future and our dreams are shattered. We may feel hurt, betrayed or confused. Sometimes we don’t know who we can blame for the situation, sometimes we have to own up to our own responsibility. Mostly, we just want the pain to go away and for everything to feel better.

Situations that are beyond our control can be especially difficult. We ask: “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did a person that I loved die?” “Why did that accident happen?” “Why did I get this illness?” “How will I cope with the loss of my job/ my marriage?” Our lives are thrown into turmoil and our future becomes scary and uncertain. For a time it is difficult to make any decisions about our future and the situation feels even worse. In time, we want life to feel better again and we begin to crawl forward.

There are also times when the choices we make have damaging consequences; sometimes those consequences affect us and sometimes they affect others. We don’t take care of ourselves physically, spiritually and/or emotionally. We become addicted to drugs, alcohol. gambling, shopping or something else that takes control of our lives. We have an affair or an abortion. We mistreat other people or their property. It is possible to ignore some of these situations for a long time, but then we recognize that change is needed or further destruction is in our future.

Socrates said: What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be”. It may be a long time since we looked at that picture, but it is still probably there. No matter the reason for our circumstance, we have to allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve the loss of that picture before we can move forward. The five stages of grief and loss are: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People don’t necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.

It’s often difficult for others to watch us go through the process. They want our lives to be better NOW;they want to be the person who can help us; they don’t want to have to watch us “struggle”. This can be a confusing time for everyone affected by the situation. A person going through tough times may find support from different sources than they usually did. This may be surprising, difficult and/or disappointing for the person going through change. It may also be difficult for those who normally support the person and now need to “let go”. We can’t all have the capacity to help our family and friends in every situation.

Changing the picture in our head isn’t easy. We may hope to revert back to a former place in our lives where everything felt better, but perhaps as we change, that former place no longer is a good fit for us. Often it is necessary to get the help of professionals or others who have experienced the same challenges through some sort of group situation. God can change us in an instant, but often He challenges us to do the hard work of change.

It’s hard to “let go and let God”; to take each day as a gift and look forward to the adventure of the day. It is necessary to take the next step forward without looking back. There may be huge consequences of our past mistakes, but after we have grieved them, we have to build our tomorrow with what we’ve learned; the lessons that make us stronger.

When life disappoints, there may be rapid changes and many hard times. Through it all may we look to the Creator to create the new picture in our head that needs to become our focus. May our trust in Him grow more and more.

Psalm 143:8 ~ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.

Christian Co-dependency: Recognizing Unhealthy Relationship Patterns

On her website Change My Relationship, http://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Karla Downing says that “when people are ‘codependent’ in their personal relationships, it means they have an unhealthy way of reacting to other people”. Some people do too much for other people and others let people do too much for them. Neither is healthy. On her website, Karla has “Seven signs you are a Christian co-dependent” and I encourage you to look for those if you have questions about your personal relationships.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mqEHt1FjnA

One of the challenges as a Christian is that I know God calls me to help others. In my mind I can justify the many “extra” things I do for someone else. Sometimes, I am not helping others in a positive way though. I am preventing the other person for reaching his/her full potential because of the opportunities, good or bad, that I don’t allow that person to have.

Doing too much for the other person can be confusing for them. Because if I don’t trust them to accomplish a task, they don’t trust themselves either. The lines become blurred about what is my responsibility and what is their responsibility. In time, the other person may just allow me to do more and more for him/her. They may not really appreciate it, but they allow it. Then … I become frustrated because I am doing so much, but am not appreciated

In this situation, it is very easy to ignore my own needs. The Bible says to love God above all and our neighbours as ourselves, but I may have no idea of what that might look like. As I strive harder and harder to be loving and giving and serving and encouraging, I may become very exhausted. Once I’m exhausted, I start to feel guilty because I am no longer meeting all the needs that others allow me to try to meet.

Is this the example Jesus gave? It was an eye-opener when I read the gospels with the idea of following Jesus’ example in His relationships. I realized that Jesus rested, He walked away from some people, He threw out the money changers; He set boundaries.

Slowly, I came to realize that I need to care for myself emotionally, physically and spiritually if I want to be all that I can be for God. When I take care of myself, I am better able to be a positive influence in the lives of others. When I take care of myself, I can spread more peace and joy and laughter. I more easily reflect Jesus in me.

Matthew 5:14-16 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven”.

(Just some random thoughts on something I’ve learned while living life)