It is essential to have personal boundaries because they define your identity. They are about the things you feel and believe. They encompass your needs, your values, and what you are good at. With good boundaries, you are better able to help others because your life is built on a firm foundation. You know who you are and what your goals are. As you set boundaries, sometimes you have to say “no” to others. More importantly, you learn to say “yes” to yourself.
It is difficult to set boundaries if self-expression was discouraged when you were a child. Your parents reacted with anger, emotional manipulation or disappointment when you expressed your needs or wants. Soon, you learned to use coping mechanisms that helped keep the peace. It was easier to “suck it up” than to “rock the boat”. Your life was outwardly more peaceful, but inwardly, there was disappointment and frustration.
There are people who manipulate you with guilt. They have their own reasons for you to do the things that they think you should do. If you are a “people pleaser”, this can make change challenging. You allow others to set boundaries for you and you are left with a feeling of powerlessness.
If you were raised in a home with poor boundaries, boundarilessness feels normal. You feel that those who “love” you are the best people to see your boundaries. A dominant parent sets the tone in your home, and that seems “normal”. You discover that life is easier when others make your decisions. Letting someone else set the path of your life feels simpler. This is especially true if manipulation is involved. There is pain in not having your needs met, and you learn to ignore that.
Sometimes you meet needy people, and trying to help them becomes a boundaryless relationship. They can be selfish and irresponsible. It becomes easy to lose track of your own needs. As you continue to try to please them, you walk on eggshells around them. That’s not how God wants our relationships to be. It’s essential to make sure you aren’t pouring from an empty vessel. Your needs are important, too.
Life changes when you realize that you are worthy of relationships where you are respected. Respected for your feelings, your thoughts and your ideas. A good relationship should make you feel calm, not anxious. If you are anxious or feeling guilty, it is important to assess why. Do you struggle to accept that you are worthy of your own ideas? Are you afraid you will be rejected if your view is different than the person you are talking to?
Sometimes, living a boundaryless life can feel “best”. Our bodies have learned to tense up unnecessarily. Our feelings of guilt and anxiety can feel overwhelming. It takes patience to unlearn some coping mechanisms. You need practice and the right people to support you. Should I really feel anxious in this situation? Are my ideas ridiculous, or has someone convinced me they are?
I found an article about Jesus setting boundaries that I found helpful. Jesus prayed, He had “alone time”, He rested, He pleased God, not others. Jesus also had expectations of others. He asked people what they wanted from Him.
In my life, I am still learning. I am getting better at setting boundaries. I am also improving at assessing if my own needs are being met. I think I would be described as a “social introvert”, so often others are confused about me. I need that alone time. It’s not a rejection of anyone. I am expecting a lifelong journey of assessing life and making boundaries along the way. Blessed is the person who finds joy in the journey.
My Tapestry Blog 