Dear God,
How do I go on from here? What’s the next step? I know things can’t go on as they are now. I have no room to grow. No one to build me up. I feel drained and defeated, except that I know You are carrying me. Oh God, when is (my husband) going to be able to see beyond himself? When are his needs going to be something I might be able to meet? … There is no happiness. No sense of anticipation about the future. No sense of accomplishment or a job well done.(taken from my book “My Tapestry — Experiencing the Love of the Designer”)
Those words were written during a very difficult time in my life. A co-dependent has a deep and powerful need to take care of someone else. I didn’t recognize that I was in a co-dependent relationship. Co-dependency is defined as the addiction to a supportive role in a relationship. A behaviour becomes an addiction when other areas of a person’s life suffer as a result. Addictive behaviours are typically associated with activities that diminish a person’s ability to function.
For seventeen years I tried to do better, to be better, to bring happiness to someone else’ life. There were times when all was well for a season, but there was no real change in our relationship, so it was inevitable that the hard times would return. Inevitably, other negative situations became part of our marriage. Eventually, I was counseled to separate myself from the situation which then led to divorce. With God’s help, I was able to accept that I needed to learn to care for myself if I was to survive as a person and as a mother to my children.
On my own, I worked through a 12 step program. I was able to identify five areas that I needed to work on to become a better person. As I allowed God to change me, acceptance came and I set better boundaries in my dealings with others.
Freedom from my marriage wasn’t the “solution” I had been praying for, but I had to trust God and what He had allowed to happen in my life. There was emotional release after I admitted to myself that I was angry at God. In one book I read the comment, “God didn’t save my marriage, He freed me from it.” God is God and He loved me more than I could ever imagine. God loved me more than He loved my marriage.
After working all that through, I wanted to share my new-found “freedom to be me” with others. It was very hard when I was attacked by some other Christians for feeling it was necessary to have some focus on loving myself. I was told I was selfish and that I should be focusing on loving my neighbour. I shed a few tears, was angry and didn’t know how to respond in a way that explained what I knew was right.
In the following years, I have become more and more convinced that caring for ourselves is part of caring for others. Learning to care for ourselves – mind – body- spirit – is essential if we are to be all God want us to be for others. We need to care for ourselves so we can better help others. God loves us enough to help us become all we are intended to be— because He has a plan and a purpose for our lives.
The urgency on you coming to really discover your belovedness is this: someone else desperately needs you to confer a blessing. You can’t do it, so long as there’s a gaping hole in you. Let God love you, for someone else’s sake. Let him love you whole, for them. It’s not selfish. ~Jonathan Martin
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